Sorry to disappoint readers – well, some readers anyway – but today’s narrative is not about the latest in golfer’s Tiger Wood’s “driving” (eh, Land Rovers, not golf balls) skills, the war in Iran, skyrocketing gas prices, Trump vs. the Pope Leo, Kash Patel’s boozing charges, or the guessing game of who’s in the Epstein files. No, this one is about how language can manifest itself in various types of prose to educate, criticize, hyperbolize, tick off or just plain annoy.
But first, today’s narrative is written as comic relief, a breather and short reprieve from the messy world we find ourselves in today where there’s not a day that goes by without a “uh, uh, are you kidding me” head-scratcher. And as important, it’s written to provide some nifty one-liners and comebacks for dealing with those irritating people in your life who make you cuss under your breath, roll your eyes and make a beeline to the nearest exit. (Feel tree to jot down the names of those who immediately come to mind. For some a single page will do; for others you may need a three-ring binder).
So to put this into perspective, a while ago I was rummaging through a box of old books searching for one published a dozen years ago about which I’d recently agreed to write its sequel when I happened across one I’d forgotten that I had in my possession. That book, “I wish I’d said that! The greatest one-liners, comebacks, put-owns, epitaphs, quips, showstoppers, & wisecracks of all times,” was published by Nick Harris in 1984.
Well, so much for my search for the other book because I couldn’t put the Harris one down. In fact, by the end of the next day, I’d plowed through all 160 pages of the book while chuckling or laughing out loud at quip after quip, one-liner after one-liner. But when I burst into uncontrollable laughter after coming across this quote by Mark Twain, “I never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure,” my wife poked her head in the door to make sure that I wasn’t in need of immediate medical attention.
So, to give you a bit of the book’s flavor, here’s one by Sydney Smith who was exasperated by Lord Macaulay, who had a chronic habit of being a non-stop talker. She said this about Macaulay; “He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversations perfectly delightful.” Ouch, does that one ring a familiar bell with any non-stop talkers you know?
Now although I could easily tantalize you with other side-splitting quips from the book, I figured that with the limits of time and space, I’d cherry pick a few by poet Oscar Wilde then complement them with the writing style and substance of columnist Frank Bruni. But in all fairness to them both, this narrative will be a bit more about Bruni and less about Wilde for what should be an understandable reason; Wilde is long dead while Bruni – the literary gift that keeps on giving – is alive and provides us with recurring works of brilliance from which to draw.
Oh, yes, and for what it’s worth, Wilde was, and Bruni is, a gay man although their acceptance in society during their times are dramatically different; Wilde was convicted and spent time in prison for his homosexuality whereas Bruni lives over a century later as an openly gay man.
I’ll begin with Wilde, an Irish author, poet and playwright who became one of the most popular and influential dramatists in London in the early 1890s, He’s regarded by many as the greatest playwright of the Victorian era perhaps best known for his Gothic novel The Picture of Dorian Gray. Known for his biting wit, flamboyant dress and glittering conversational skill, Wilde became one of the best-known personalities of his day. Muffled chuckles tend to evolve into outright laughs when one reads his quotes.
If Wilde was alive today – Lord knows that I wish he was – he’d have a field day with a tantalizing list of public figures to be on the receiving end from his trove of bards and witticism. But even in death, Wilde’s quotes and quips resonate and remain applicable today. Take these for example:
“There’s only one thing in life that’s worse than being talked about and that’s not being talked about.”
“The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them.”
“Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.”
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
“True friends stab you in the front.”
Let’s turn to Frank Bruni.
Truth is that I’m a huge fan of columnist and college English professor Frank Bruni. Brilliant is the word that keeps repeating itself whenever I read a Bruni column, each one several times to be honest. The “language matador” that he is, Bruni’s mastery of the dagger sentence and prodigious paragraph have a way of pirouetting just out of the way while plunging lance after lance into the back of a charging bull of contemporary outrageousness and hypocrisy leaving the “bull” (can I say “BS”) destined for a one-way trip to the nearest butcher shop and next steak dinner.
Bruni’s creative use and cutting weaponization of language leaves one salivating for more.
With foot in the mouth retreats into words and acts of homophobia, sexism, racism, other isms and ignorance these days, public figures risk being called out by Bruni at the mercy of his keyboard mastery. Vintage Bruni, his recent, “Donald Trump’s middle finger,” and Attorney General Bondi’s humiliating performance in front of a federal committee are masterpieces in truth about the current state of our fractured trainwreck of a nation.
So, in my opinion, Frank Bruni ranks with the best, among them novelists James Baldwin, Mark Twain, and Pulitzer Prize winning columnists Maureen Dowd and Leonard Pitts, Jr., as the best in courageous prose. With this assembly of talented writers, the reader is strongly advised to have a thesaurus and a yellow highlighter within easy reach because you just may need them.
Now as a connoisseur of awesome quotes, I’ll leave you with one of my favorites….”Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you,” a tongue-in-cheek way of telling someone to leave quickly, implying that they’re unwelcome.
Wait readers, I have a sneaky suspicion that that last quote had yours truly in your mind?
C’mon now, did it?
Terry Howard is an award-winning writer, a contributing writer with the Chattanooga News Chronicle, The American Diversity Report, The Douglas County Sentinel, Blackmarket.com, recipient of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Leadership Award, and third place winner of the Georgia Press Award.