On a flight from St. Louis to Sacramento recently, I found myself scrunched into that dreaded middle seat; my wife sat half asleep in the window seat and a woman seated next to me in the aisle seat. Now 20 minutes after the plane took off, a flight attendant pushed a snack cart down the aisle and stopped to take our orders.
“I’ll have a Coke with ice,” said the women in the aisle seat. “Ice water, please,” I requested.
Wanting to be helpful the woman in the aisle seat leaned over, looked at my half-asleep wife and asked me, “should I order something to drink for your daughter?” After taking a deep breath, I said to her, “That’s very nice of you but the truth is that she’s my wife, not my daughter.”
As the color drained from her face, she cuffed her mouth and responded: “Oh my, I’m so sorry, I uh, didn’t mean to…” she started before I cut her off with a smile, “Well, you certainly made her day, but I cannot say that for mine.”
The flight attendant chuckled and joined us in the ensuing laughter while, I’m sure, she mentally jotted this incident down into her collection of “Tales of a flight attendant.” For the duration of that flight – and it continues to this day – I thought about the assumptions we sometimes make during our observations about others and how those assumptions can land us in some awkwardly embarrassing situations.
But here’s the deal. Once we emerge from those inevitable “OMIF” (Open Mouth, Insert Foot) moments in life based on assumptions, the question is what learning opportunities are there on the other side? Take, for example, my “you didn’t make my day” response to the embarrassed lady in the aisle seat. Were there situations in our lives when we ruined someone’s day by making erroneous assumptions about them? The question answers itself, doesn’t it?
Now a few things need saying before we go on.
First, and to ensure that we’re on the same definitional page, an assumption is a belief or statement taken for granted without proof. Assumptions can be explicit (clearly stated) or implicit (implied) and are often based on prior knowledge or experiences.
Second, assumptions have no expiration dates. They’re equal opportunity discriminators, hard-wired into our makeup, our DNA, and often hidden until circumstances force them out into the open, unleash them from the cages of our minds into our behaviors and mouths.
So, can we agree that assumptions about others are likely to contain antiquated notions that could possibly offend someone, albeit not by intent? Can we further agree to accept the truism that nobody’s perfect, and rare indeed is the person who wakes up in the morning ruminating on a list of whom he/she could go out and offend that day?
Now with all that said as a framework, let’s put this to test by pivoting to a list of questions for a thoughtful analysis.
1. How important is it for you to receive an occasional “out of the blue” call from someone checking in on your wellbeing? What assumptions do you have about how often you make those calls?
2. What assumptions could you have about younger generations? What assumption could they hold about you? What would you like to get more of from the younger generation that they’re not telling you for some reason?
3. What are the possible risks, consequences and rewards for adding others of different backgrounds (think race, age, gender, culture, religion, etc.) into your circle of friends? What assumptions do you make about how the group’s dynamics would change?
4. Based on your life experiences, can you describe a contemporary situation or two – ones that bothered or confused you – where you assume that it’s probably best to keep your mouth shut?
5. Based on facts or assumptions, how would those who know more likely than not say about you when you’re not around?
6. How might your childhood learning about others contribute to the assumptions you sometimes make about others?
7. What might be the indicators and your assumptions that someone is talking to you as a member of an identity group (race, age, religion, gender, etc.) as opposed to you as an individual?
8. What have you chosen not to say to someone in your circle of family or friends that you’ve decided not to say, and why? If you decide to say it, what assumptions do you make about what would happen to the relationship?
9. Based on facts or assumptions, what do you feel that you “already know” in a relationship with someone and how might this knowing and assumption hinder your effectiveness and personal development?
10. What assumption could others make about you based on your physical appearance, command of the English language, accent, educational background or political party affiliation?
11. How do the assumptions you make get in the way of things you can’t measure or be certain of?
12. How willing are you to question the assumptions you may have that are derived from social media, books and/or preferred TV programs?
In the end, and short of enrolling in an “assumption reduction” class at a local university or engaging a high-priced therapist, you can break this assuming habit by conducting an “assumption audit”—pausing to separate what you know for certain from your personal projections—and asking open-ended questions to gather real facts. In short, pause for a second and catch yourself in the act of generalizing and making assumptions.
Above all – and if you leave with nothing else from this narrative – choose to believe that the person’s words and behaviors that may be based on an assumption were not inherently malicious because they rarely are. Allow them to emerge from the experience having learned a valuable lesson with his/her dignity intact.
Oh, yes, before I go, should I safely assume that you’ll see this narrative on assumptions valuable enough to share it with others?
Yes? No?
Terry Howard is an award-winning writer, a contributing writer with the Chattanooga News Chronicle, The American Diversity Report, The Douglas County Sentinel, Blackmarket.com, recipient of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Leadership Award, and third place winner of the Georgia Press Award.